They Are In A Better Place

In high school I took a class called, Thanatology, a study of death and its surrounding circumstances. One day we covered what not to say to someone who has lost a loved one...and these are the words that effected me the most.

"They are in a better place now," most of us have been guilty of saying this at least once.  When we've said it the grieving party has nodded their head in agreement, perhaps spoke a few more words to us and then turned to the next person in a line of people all waiting to tell them pretty much the same thing, that their loved one, "Is in a better place now".

Most mean well by saying these words but, those on the receiving end are usually tired, worn down, and riding an emotional roller coaster .  There is no one who wants to trade places with them and not many that can actually console them.

Take heed in your words and ask yourself some honest questions...

Who is in a better place?  Is it the grandmother, mother, sister, aunt, wife, or daughter that has passed?  Is it the grandfather, father, brother, uncle, husband, or son gone to a better place?

No matter the religion, spirituality, or beliefs...in grief, we are all selfish.  We deserve to be.

If someone you love is gone there is no better place for them to be than standing next to you.  No more glorious spot than standing on the other end of the phone line waiting to pick up your call. There is absolutely no better place for a loved one than home safe and right where you expect them to be.

If you have to speak, extend your condolences and move out of the way so the next person can do the same.  For those in morning it is usually your actions that are more important than your words. Bring them food so they don't forget to eat.  When they speak give them your full attention and nod in understanding.  Hold them for a few seconds too long when you hug them goodbye.

In dealing with grief caution is required...so think before you speak...

What Doesn't Kill Us...

What doesn't kill us...only makes us stronger...

This is a saying that has perpetually annoyed me for years.  How many times has your world been falling apart.  You lose a loved one, lose your job, or everything is just generally going to shit.  Searching you find a person who you feel comfortable enough to confide in.  You poor out your lament and wait for some words of wisdom, sympathy, or maybe just a bit of comfort.  But instead for your emotional investment you receive the words, "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."

For anyone who has been told this in a time of need you know that it feels more like a total cop out.  If what is going on is really bad it comes off like a kick in the teeth.  Its not comforting and there isn't a lot of people who are made to feel better by being told this.

There are two types of people who dole out this advise.  The first has had a relatively calm life without much turmoil so when they mutter the phrase they honestly think they are helping in some way.  What these people really want to say is, "Wow, that sucks so bad for you I don't even know what to say because I have absolutely nothing in my life that compares to that in any way."

The second type are those who have really had a rough way to go of it in life...or at least think that they have.  They say it because in their minds what you are saying doesn't even hold a candle to what they have been through and they can't even muster empathy for you.  What they really want to say is, "You have no idea how bad it can get so please stop talking to me because I honestly don't want to hear it."

If you honestly can't think of anything better to say than our phrase of the day simply say that you don't know what to say that you wish you did but you are simply at a loss.  Sometimes it better just to say you don't know what to say than throwing out a worn out phrase that's been regurgitated since the beginning of time.

In the end what doesn't kill us only scars us.  It changes us in ways that we may not recognize or that may not become apparent right away but any strength that comes from these crucial moments in our lives is worth far more than a turn of phrase. 

If you truly feel that you are in a situation that warrants giving this advise...stop for a moment, give some consideration and think before you speak...